How Wine Made my Boyfriend Block me on Snapchat

Here you are, three…no four…five(?!) glasses deep, hanging out with all your best girlfriends, wondering why your boy toy hasn’t responded to your snap despite him opening it 4 minutes ago. Now, normally you might think after an encounter such as this something along the lines of “hm, maybe he’s busy. I’m sure he’ll respond later.” but is that the case tonight? Absolutely not. Why? Because wine is telling you that you are one hella fine piece of ass that needs to assure him you are much too good looking to ignore. 7 minutes pass leaving you wondering what in the world this man is doing.

You lose track of time searching for a mixer as you have now progressed from wine to liquor in an attempt to convince yourself that you’re totally cool and he’s DEFINITELY just still busy doing something. What could he be doing? Playing video games with his friends? Sips. Homework? Sips. Hanging out with another girl… Chugs. Let’s send him another snap. But this time, more cleavage. That’ll do it for sure. No, a video. No…both. And a quick message just so he knows you totally miss him but are having a great time without him.

Still no response… Then, you receive the best advice of your life. “You know what you need? More vodka.” You spend a brief moment thanking our Lord and savior Jesus Christ for blessing you with such good friends, then down another vodka cran. You send two more selfies of you with your friends. Why? Because you are a strong independent woman who doesn’t need no man let alone cares if a mere boy responds to her snapchat. And because your contour has never looked better so you need to show it off anytime you can. Lighting change? Another selfie. I mean how could you not, right? You check your phone, opened. No response.

You’re half done with what you thought was a vodka cranberry before realizing it tastes like rubbing alcohol and has not the slightest bit of pink to it. Ubers here, better chug anyway. And oh. My. God. You have never heard a better playlist before. You know what your boyfriend would love? Some snaps of you singing. Okay, okay, just one. Holy shit is that Rihanna? He loves this song. I have to send another. Maybe two. Seriously he LOVES this song. Still no response. What could he be doing? You better send him another picture so he knows how much fun you’re having without him. Damn girl, you look great. Sent.

Finally, you’re in the bar. You go order a drink to celebrate your $50 fake ID actually working to get in somewhere. Wow are you having fun with your friends or what? Send him another snap so he sees how fun you are. You take a mediocre selfie dancing and send it by mistake. Shit. Better take another one so he knows you don’t always look like that. Sent. You order two more drinks and realize you haven’t checked your phone in a while. Two texts from your ex, six from Lucy, wait…isn’t she in the bar? Better find her. Anyway, noting from your boyfriend. But do you even care if he responds anymore? Nope. You don’t. You send him a video of you dancing. Gosh you are so bubbly and fun loving. He is so dumb to neglect you. You bought a shot, snap. Lucy’s throwing up, snap. Your literal song is on, snap. Ubers here to take you home, snap.

You get home and crawl into bed with a leftover chicken finger in one hand and your phone in the other, I wonder if he’s still awake… “opened 14m ago”. He’s definitely still awake. A selfie of you in bed so he knows you’re home safe. You thoughtful girl you. Sent. One more so he sees how cute you look in bed. Sent. Wow, dancing really wore you out. I’m sure he will respond by the time you wake up. But just one more to say goodnight…


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