Las Vegas in April and May 2014
Whole. Lee. Shit. What a trip. As I sit on the Southwest flight heading back to RDU there are literally tears in my eyes. There is no doubt in my mind that this was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. For quite some time MD has told me that I needed to travel but I have neglected due to building my client base and business. Now it is time for me to hit the ground running and that is exactly what I did in Vegas. Take the trip with me.
Tuesday, April 29th, 2014
MD and I landed in Vegas in the late afternoon and K picked us up. Floyd had already landed so it was the motley crew ready to roll. Yes, this was truly a motley crew if there ever was one. Two single men that just hit 40, a married man and the dumpster fire that is writing this “story”. After landing it was decided that we would check in to the Luxor Hotel and prepare to eat at the Foundation Room with Bells around 6:00 pm.
Per the usual, Bells was late. Asshole. We ended up going to the Foundation Room around 6:45. Prior to that I started my consumption of the beautiful young women that were all over the place. I had no idea what was going to happen over the course of the next four days. I digress.
At the Foundation Room Bells told some interesting stories related to his high school years in Pennsylvania. We got to hear “Slow Middle Finger” again. I will allow you to use your imagination or contact Bells. You can hear it in great detail from the horse’s mouth.
Unfortunately, dinner did not settle well with me so I had to go back to the Luxor room early to appease my insides. After settling my stomach it was time to hit the strip. Hard. I have been to Vegas twice but I had never really hit Vegas. Shit was about to hit the fan.
The first place we decided to go was the Cosmopolitan. This beautiful machine of happiness is now the love of my life and you will soon find out why. The Cosmo is one of the newer and more hip casinos on the strip. Every attractive young male and female wants to be seen at the Cosmo. When you walk in the door you notice that everyone is dressed to the nines. The dresses, or lack of dresses, on the female population is a gift from God. Which God, I have no idea, but that particular superior being is quite alright in my book. Speaking of which, I am starting to write my book so be ready for that one to come out by 2020.
Tuesday night at the Cosmo wasn’t amazing but you could almost taste the hotness ready to happen. Most people that have jobs, maybe I will get one one day, are not able to fly into Vegas on a Tuesday so it is understandable that the strip wasn’t hopping. That said, MD and I scoped out the scene and I made plenty of mental notes as to where the “action” was going to happen. Yes, I have a problem. In fact, many problems but that is something else that will go in the book. I really believe I am going to title it “The Book”. I digress.
For those that don’t know me, there aren’t many of you out there, I am a craps man when it comes to casino games. Being a very social person I throughly enjoy the thrill of a hot table. The high fives, fist bumps and flying chips are something to marvel at. I strongly suggest you experience it at least 54,058 times in your life. In fact, if you are a virgin roller contact me immediately and we are going to Vegas!
I did not play craps at the Cosmo on Tuesday night but I scoped out the scene and knew this was going to be the honey hole. Truly. The honey hole. Some of you will get that, many will not. It’s fine, we can’t all get sarcasm. Anyway. Tuesday night was more of a feeling out process. I had my own room at the Luxor so I decided I was going to sleep in on Wednesday.
Wednesday, April 30th – Jesse’s Balls Drop
After getting up and doing my one bit of work in Vegas it was time to go hog wild. Erik purchased Penn and Teller tickets at half price so we were headed to the Rio on Wednesday night. Hump Day proved to be quite interesting. Erik had to pick up the tickets about an hour before doors opened to the show so we had time to burn. And burn that time we did. So here is the first big story of the Vegas trip. We will call it “Jesse’s Balls Drop”.
I had been in Vegas for over 24 hours and I had not talked to a single female. I am shaking my head as I type this. For me to go 24 hours without talking to a young lady is quite uncommon. In fact, I go into convulsions and I have to be hospitalized if I go for 48 hours with female contact. Ok, that might be a stretch but it is close.
So, we are walking around Rio, K is playing blackjack and another guy comes up to me and says something to the effect of “those three hot girls are sitting alone”. A few random guys walk up to them and try their game to no avail. Denied! It was time for Jesse to see what he had as far as game. Let me explain to you how hot these girls were. HOT AS FUCK. Like, hotter than hot. One of the girls literally looked like Jennifer Love Hewitt in her prime. If you don’t believe me feel free to contact me and I will show you the pictures. So, about those pictures…
If you remember correctly, this was the week that Donald Sterling, previous owner of the Clippers, told his mistress that she should not share her photos on “the Instagram”. I had a play! Here we go.
I told another guy to come with me. I walked up to the girls and asked, “Can I get a picture with you? I promise I won’t share it on the Instagram.” They started laughing and said, “Oh yes, and please share it on Instagram.” So, me being the fine young gentlemen I am, I sit down between them. Mr. Photographer was smart enough to take about five pictures that did not look all that great. The girls were actually telling him to angle the iPhone so they pictures would look better. At that point I knew I was in over my head. Oh well. You go balls to the wall or not at all.
After taking about 10 pictures one of the girls shyly states, “You should buy us drinks now.” I was a complete dumbass at this moment. I told them thank you for the picture and went back to sit where we were. Instead of wallowing in my sorrow I stood my happy ass up, walked back over and said, “Ok, what are you drinking? It is on me.” They all smiled and said, “Well, sit down.” What? What?!? Some of the hottest girls I have ever seen told me to sit down with them.
To make a long story short, yeah fucking right. As if I can do that. Let’s make this story really long because it is fantastic. How many of you had the balls to walk up to the hottest girls you have seen in Vegas, get a picture with them, leave them only to return to offer to buy drinks? At this point my balls were clanking. I think the entire casino heard them.
I sat down with them around 7:50 and they mentioned they were going to Chippendales. Of course they were. They were planning on going in at 8:00 pm when the doors opened. I had 10 minutes to do the deed and get their phone numbers. Yes, phone numbers. Plural. Like I said, balls to the wall or not at all. We started chatting. I like to talk. In fact, you can’t shut me up. Once you get me going it is like an avalanche. I just pick up steam and it either ends in disaster or an explosion. Sometimes both!
So here I am chatting up these girls. Diana, Krista and Lauren. Diana and Kristen are gorgeous brunettes that would make any normal man melt. Hell, I think I did. Lauren was a blonde from England with a British accent. It was magical. I found out that Diana and Krista were from Toronto, Ontario. They were quite amused by my so called southern accent. Said southern accent is not that thick but they sure seemed to think so.
Well, 8:00 rolls around and we are still chatting. 8:15. 8:30. 8:45. Shit! We are on a roll here. Either these girls are really bored and just want to listen to me carry on or they actually think I am a halfway normal dude. At this point it is getting time for both of our shows. Their show Chippendales and our show Penn and Teller. During the chat Diana grabbed my phone and texted herself one of the pictures. Score. I have her number. She did mention that her phone does not work in the states because she has a Canadian plan. Since this was the case, I asked for Krista’s phone number because she had a plan that worked while in Vegas.
I learned many unique things about Canada from the conversation. The most interesting being that in Toronto you buy milk in a bag rather than a gallon jug. Why in the hell would you put milk in a bag? I also learned a lot about their healthcare system and how easy it is to go to the emergency room. At no cost.
We parted ways to go to our shows. At this point my confidence is through the roof. It isn’t even confidence anymore. It is arrogance slathered in cocky, but it is working. Those of you that have met me know that I do not lack for confidence and social skills.
So, we go to Penn and Teller, which was OK, but not great. After Penn and Teller I text Krista to see what they are doing. They were going to the club in Paris, not literally. I ended up not catching up with them that night because there were too many other things going on around me. Every single male should go to Vegas just to take it in. It is remarkable.
After hoping in and out of a few casinos and winning some money on craps it was time to hit the sack to get ready for Thursday. There is no way I could top Diana, Krista and Lauren right? Oh, but just wait…
Thursday, May 1st – The Pool and Craps
Thursday was scheduled to be a pool day and just some relaxation. Yeah, fucking, right. It’s Vegas! After some research we decided to go to the Daylight Beach Club on Friday and the Luxor pool on Thursday. Welp. I grew up on water as I was a whitewater rafting guide through high school and college. If there is anywhere I can talk to girls it is in a water setting. I knew this was going to be “fruitful” to say the least.
As soon as we ventured to the Luxor Pool I consumed the scene. Walking in I noticed about seven or eight really hot girls that were only. Jackpot. Rather than being a dumbass and approaching them all together I used a little bit of strategy. One of the girls was wearing a light purple bathing suit that was the perfect shade for her skin. She swam out to the middle of the pool and was sitting on an island alone. There were some other guys around her but those douchebags had no chance.
I made my way over to her and asked her where she purchased her bathing suit because I loved the color. She explained that she bought it form Victoria’s Secret and it was the new 2014 style. Now, I am no fashionista but I know girls love to talk clothes. We started chatting and I quickly discovered her unique accent. I asked her where she was from. You’ll never believe this shit. She was ANOTHER Krista from Canada. She was from Newfoundland. Her accent was just adorable. I can’t even put it into words. We talked for about 30 minutes and she explained that her and six of her friends were just on vacation getting away. SEVEN! Not six, seven smoking hot Canadian girls. I am shaking my head right now as I write this.
She mentioned that her friends wanted to do some stuff later that day and my dumbass did not pursue it. In all reality, our conversation was not nearly as strong as the “ball drop girls” so I decided that approaching seven smoking hot girls to get a phone number might be a little much. Now that I think about it, I have a vagina between my legs. More digression.
After talking with Krista #2 I swam back over to my friends. While talking to them a guy and a girl get in the pool right beside me. It was more than obvious that the male was gay. Yahtzee! I can work this angle. I start chatting both of them up. Take a wild guess as to where they were from? You got it. Fucking Canada! Beth, the female, not the gay guy, was from Toronto and Pete, the gay guy, was from Vancouver.
They were both teachers at a private school and they were quite intelligent. I learned quite a bit from our conversation. I verified that Torontonians do, in fact, have milk in a bag. We chatted for a good hour about what we do and stories of our past. They both came to Vegas simply to see Britney Spears which I thought was interesting. I never realized Britney was still that popular. Before exiting the scene I got Pete’s number so I could get up with them later that night. Yep, I scored a gay guy’s phone number in Vegas. Fucking Vegas! No, I am not gay. I love the vagina. I am sure you can tell. Anyway.
After I went back to the room my friends decided to go eat before the Primus concert. I had no interest in the Primus concert so I told them I would catch up with Beth and Pete instead. I texted Pete and we decided we would go roll craps because Beth was a virgin roller! YES! A virgin craps roller. I am going to make some cold, hard cash. In the meantime I played some low minimum craps at the Luxor and met Keith from Chicago. We talked about the harsh winter in Michigan and just everyday life shit. Yes, I like to talk. Too fucking much. You have no idea the shit I fall into by being able to talk to anyone. Well, that shit I fell into is about to go right back up into the fan.
I text Pete and tell him I am going to the Cosmo to play craps. Of course I am, where else would I be?!? I get a cab to the Cosmo and I can literally feel the hot girls as I walk through the door. It is a sensation that has killed many a many and taken down empires. See the Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire if you don’t believe me. As we all know beautiful women make smart men do stupid things. Back to my story.
Having already consumed the scene at the Cosmo on Tuesday night I have a strategy on paper, or in my mind, and ready to roll. The craps table is right in front of the escalator that leads up to the shows and Marquee Dance Club. I am at the nexus of the hot girl universe. The corner of “I’d let her give me aids and I’d fuck her if she were my sister.” I wish I could paint the scene but my artistic skills are horrendous. Just know that beautiful young women were everywhere and my head was on a swivel. There was so much to consume that I think I blew a gaskit or a load. Very likely both.
I am playing craps and I have yet to truly catch a heater. I need some heat on the craps table to really get the blood flowing because you know where it is with all these hot girls walking by. This adorable, barbie doll, young blonde walks up to the table and stands right beside me. She starts asking questions about craps and I explain the little I know. I asked her if she had ever rolled. She responded no. Another virgin roller! I need head to the ATM to take out $10k. Ok, maybe not that much but I know she is going to roll for days. And she is hot. Fucking hot.
You wonder how hot she is? The dealer at the table carded her and she was 29 about to turn 30. That should tell you how hot. Now let me say, I am not usually a blonde guy but this young woman was stunning. She started following my lead on the craps table and we were winning money. Once again, craps is a lot of fun if you are a social person. The dice got around to her and she was too scared to roll. I forced her to roll and tripled my bets. Per the usually, she is rolling every number I need. She started by hitting seven three times to start. Unreal! For 20 minutes she makes me money and we have a great time.
At that point she mentions that her friend is flying in from San Diego and she needs to meet her. Let me be perfectly clear here, Jesse is a not smart. In fact, he has the intelligence of a Graham County, North Carolina resident. I went there. Google it.
She pulls her phone out and is standing there. With her phone. Standing there. Jesse does nothing. Not a damn thing. She says that she needs to go meet her friend. Once again, Jesse does nothing. She tells me that she will be back at the table later and maybe we could do something. Yep. I still don’t get her number. Roll your eyes all you want. Barbie doll blonde moves on to find her friend. Then Beth and Pete walk up. Virgin shooter baby!
Beth, Pete and I go to another table and she rolls her ass off. She makes me about $250 and makes the table about $3000. Those virgin shooters are the best. Especially if they are willing to blow on your dice when you roll them. I end up going up and down with craps betting for the rest of the night. Beth and Pete have to go back to their hotel because Pete has to get up early for a flight tomorrow. I just blow Beth off. Yeah, once again, I am a bright bulb.
In conclusion, Thursday was the pool with Krista #2 and Beth, the craps table with Barbie Doll from San Diego and Jesse being a complete idiot. Skills baby!
Friday, May 2nd – The Pool Party and Cosmo
As mentioned, we decided we were going to go to the Daylight Beach Club on Friday. First we had to check out of the Luxor and decide when we could check in to the Tropicana. This made things difficult so the beach club was a little bit of a hassle. That said, I love water and hot girls. Have I mentioned this before? If not, let me mention it again. As soon as we walked into the Daylight Beach Club life was very good.
Think hot girls in bikinis. Lots of hot girls in bikinis. More hot girls in bikinis. Ok, you get the picture. Unfortunately, this environment was difficult for me because I could not scope out the scene early and come up with a strategy. There was also a DJ which made it very difficult to talk to anyone. For the first 45 minutes I was at a loss. As you can imagine, the gears were turning as to how I could approach some of the females. A miracle happened! The lifeguards threw inflatable balls in the pool. I had my prop and I was ready to roam.
I noticed an attractive young woman in a blue swimsuit sitting relatively alone. Her friends were close by but I could find a way to slide in. I am not even sure how I opened the conversation with her. I think I just asked her where she was from. She said she was from Boston and she was in Vegas for the weekend with friends. We started chatting and she explained she was in digital marketing. I had to laugh. The asshole writing this has been in digital marketing and advertising for five years so this was a very easy conversation.
We end up talking for a good 45 minutes about Facebook, Google, Reddit and internet marketing in general. It is quite obvious that she is very good at her job. She is also a tech geek that just bought a Samsung Galaxy S5. We hit it off quite well. This time Jesse was smart enough to get her phone number. Actually, she had to tell me to put my phone number in her phone but that is good enough for me.
After leaving the beach club we decide to go see Red. Rabbit. Lies. at……….Cosmopolitan! As you can imagine, I am like a rabbit in heat. A show at the Cosmo? Count me in all day, every day. Prior to going to the show I decide to plop down and play some craps. Shocking, I know. I started playing at 7 knowing I had an hour. I had no idea I was going to catch a heater. An Asian lady ended up rolling for 40 minutes and making me over $500. It was a wild ride. Good times are had at the craps table at Cosmo. You can catch me there on any day that ends in Y.
Red. Rabbit. Lies. is amazing. Go see it now. In fact, go see it yesterday. It is a sarcastic, witty and sexy comedy. If you like Reddit, Archer or Seinfeld you will love this show. It is well worth the cost of admission which was free for me. Don’t ask. I won’t tell. So after Red. Rabbit. Lies. the Cosmo is kinda slow. In fact, there are not many girls at all. It is a Friday night! What is going on?!?
I end up playing some craps and losing all the $500 I won at the heater. I was not feeling myself. I was sitting in the lounge area and a group of about 10 young Asian women sit down right behind us. I walk up to one of them and ask, “So, what is going on?” in reference to 10 hot Asian chicks together. She looks me dead square in the eyes and says, “Do we look that desperate? We are waiting for our promoter?” Well, oooooook then. Sorry I was trying to have any time of communication.
At this point I was getting a little frustrated. That rarely happens to me. There were no openings to slide in and talk to girls and the craps tables were cold. I told the guys I was going to cash out when guess who walks up dressed to kill? Barbie Doll girl with her friend. She mentioned they had been to see Britney and that is where all the girls were. Who knew that Britney was so popular.
We chat for a few minutes and she mentions that she’s tired but she may come back down and play craps again. I told her they need to go see Red. Rabbit. Lies. and they seemed very interested. Once again, Jesse does not get her phone number. Yep. I am a complete dumbass. She is basically asking me to take her to a show and I blow her off. I’m a schmuck. If you are out there Barbie Doll girl from San Diego I promise you are gorgeous and I’d do dirty things to you. It is not you, it’s me. Thanks George Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
At that point I go back to some craps tables to find the action. Welp. I did. Another smoking hot blonde who was a virgin shooter. Time to make some money and work the magic. She ends up rolling for about 15 minutes and making the table some money. While she is rolling a group of five other girls walks up to her and starts talking to her. I cash out and ask them which ones have never rolled. I take them to another table, give them some chips and let them go to town. I found out they were from Chicago and just looking to get away from the cold. Have I heard this before?
After going back and forth with winning and losing at the craps tables at Cosmo I decide to march back to the Tropicana where I get to sleep on the floor. I hope you can sense my excitement. When I enter the Tropicana it is about 2:00 am and I have to be up by 6:45 to fly back to Raleigh. Instead of going to my room I hit another craps table. Guess what happens? An attractive woman comes (I wish!) and starts playing beside me. There are a few guys on the table that don’t have a clue but they are doing well. When they cash out it is just Heidi and I at 2:45 in the morning. I get ready to cash out and she says, “You can’t leave me.” Mind you, married woman likely in her late 30s.
Being the gentleman I am, I continue to play. When I become the shooter I put $25 on each number and max out my odds. I literally roll for 30 minutes and make myself $500. I guess that was my final ball drop of the trip. Who bets all the numbers on themselves? Did I mention I am confident going on cocky?
Well, there you have it. Nothing in this story is made up except the names. I don’t care for you to read about my life but I am going to protect the privacy of my friends. If you happen to be Krista, Diana, Lauren, Krista #2, Beth, Barbie Doll girl from San Diego, Anna, Heidi or any of the other girls that entered my life, thank you. You opened my eyes to many things. Maybe one day we can meet again at a craps table in the Cosmopolitan. If you ever want to talk to Jesse that was in Vegas again, well, now you know how to contact me.